2009

Well, another year has come and gone. 2009 has taken me through many valleys, and dragged my emotions through a maze of uncertainty and confusion. I am a very different person than I was a year ago thanks to life's winds that blow without ceasing. My hope is that the direction of the wind is about to change, and instead of being in my face constantly, it will be at my back...helping to push me along in this journey. I guess the only thing I can think to say that would sum it up is TAKE THAT DEVIL, I'M STILL HERE!!!!

Letting Go

I wonder how the innocense of a child can turn into something that was not put into that child by their parents, but by their surroundings...the influences of this life that come day by day. I remember at the age of 18, I thought I was all grown up and in control of my life. I remember the look on my dad's face as he sat in his worn out recliner by the front door watching me take my things one load at a time to the car. I could not even look at him. In my mind, I thought that he was full of rage for me and was trying to stare a hole right through my cast-down eyes. With every arm load that I passed by that chair, he never took his eyes off of me, and I never looked at him. I know now...now that I am "all grown up" that my views were a bit distorted. I can imagine now how my dad felt as his heart was being ripped out of his chest as he watched me leave, but letting me go. Letting me go to make my own mistakes, letting me go to discover that the world was a whole lot different than my young mind could ever comprehend. He could have tried to stop me, and it may have been pride that held him back. I wonder if he regrets letting me go without a fight. I know that one day my baby will be "all grown up", and I may have to go through that same heartache as he spreads his wings. I know the road that I traveled down, and we can only hope and pray that our kids don't make the same mistakes that we did, but life is not written in stone. It is new every morning, with new decisions to make everyday that build the path that we take. We can only help them with these first steps, steps that start out as wobbly little feet with hands holding on tight. Then next thing you know, they have let go and are standing on their own two feet without you helping them keep their balance, but they do know that when they do loose their footing they can grab a hold to you, and you'll steady them. I hope that my baby knows that years from now.

Peace, Be Still

The low roar of the engine and the bounce of the air-ride cab was a perfect combination for some deep sleep. As we passed by traffic, cutting through the early morning fog, the sun began to peak it's head from behind the ridge of snow just between two mountain tops. Just in time, I wiped the sleep from my eyes to see the beautiful orange rays cutting through the dark purple clouds and bouncing off the snow. This was a creation beyond anything man could do. For a moment, it was like I was the only one in the world witnessing this sight...a view of heaven opening up just for me.

Ashes

We had a man of God preach Sunday night, and there is something he said that I just can't seem to get out of my mind. He talked of how when a tree limb is graphed when it heals correctly that limb will be stronger than any of the other limbs on that tree. Whenever a tree is burned there is nothing left but the ashes. Those ashes are pure carbon...carbon is what the sun puts in that tree. When you are going thru the fire maybe, just maybe God is wanting the only thing left after this fire, storm, or trial is to be what He has put in you. Maybe God wants all of this other stuff, that is just stuff, to be gone so there is nothing left but Him. The process of a fire is a painful thing, in the spiritual and the natural. In the natural, I have never been thru a fire, but I do know that there is loss. Loss of those things from the past; loss of everyday things that we take for granted. In the spiritual, we tend to hold on to the past, things that we have been forgiven for, things that God has long ago forgotten. The battle of the flesh is a constant battle. Lord, help me to be ashes...nothing left of me but what You put in me.

Birth Experience

Our journey began a few years ago going to doctors, trying everything we could to get pregnant to no avail. After a miscarriage, we decided that the best thing that we could do was to leave it in the hands of God.

Four years ago, in a Sunday night service a message was being preached about the fact that God can do anything, and the question was asked if anyone had anything they wanted God to do for them. I'm sure, like us, everyone raised their hands. As the message continued the Man of God stopped at our pew and asked my husband what it was that he wanted God to do for him. He told him that he wanted a child, and as I sat beside him tears began to stream dowm my face because I was thinking the same thing. He prayed for both of us that night for God to give us the desires of our heart.

We left church that night excited, got out the baby name book, and was picking out names. We were expecting to get pregnant, but you see, sometimes we tend to put God in a box because we think things should happen a certain way, but God's ways and thoughts are so much higher than ours.

Remember, that was on a Sunday. Friday morning I went into work as usual. I went to my office and began my day. We were located right on Hwy 15, and you could hear the traffic steady passing by outside. Every few seconds their was someone honking as they passed. I sat there a little bit thinking, OK, if someone honks again I'm getting up to see what is going on. It wasn't 10 seconds when there was another honk, so I got up and went to the window. Directly across the street from where I worked was the sweetest ladies holding up signs proclaiming that it was Foster/Adoption Month with a phone number to call. I thought, God, if you have to hold a literal sign up for me to get this, then OK. Those ladies could have been on any corner in downtown Winnsboro that day, but God put them right across from where I worked. I called that number and began the process.

We went into the classes strictly for adoption, but they talked us into being certified for both adoption and foster care. By the end of the coarse, we decided that we would try foster parenting. Our first 2 boys that we had in our home were 18 months & 4 years old. We put our whole heart into those boys, and one day, without warning, I got the call from the case worker saying the judge was sending them home, and that she would be there in an hour to pick them up. That was one of the hardest things that we had to go through, and I told my husband that I didn't think I could do this anymore. Days passed by, along with a lot of tears, but the house was just too quiet. We had to have more kids. They called us for a brother & sister that we knew up front would not be with us long. It ended up helping us to work passed the disappointment and sorrow that we felt.

On a Friday evening, I got a call from another foster parent asking if I was still wanting a baby. Of course, was my answer. She received a call from a case worker about a 5 week old baby that came into care that day. I remember sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot writing down the phone number she gave me. When I called it was already passed 5:00 so it went to voice mail. When I called the other foster parent back, she told me the baby had been placed. All I could do was say, God you know! I couldn't help but have a heavy heart because it seemed so close & yet so far. The next Monday morning that same case worker called back & wanted to know if we were still interested in that baby. The placement that had been made that Friday didn't work out, imagine that! Jared came to live with us that evening.

He had a rough start in his life. He had to go through drug withdrawls, was born with a hole in his heart, had seizures, and impared vision. But to look at him now, you wouldn't have a clue where he began. It's 3 1/2 years later, and our adoption was final in August. Oh, I didn't tell you, from the time that we had that church service until the day Jared joined our family was 9 months. I have no doubt that God planted a seed that night, and tho my labor was not a normal birth experience, it was as God wanted it to be.

I can't tell you that this experience has been an easy one, but the blessings far outweigh the bad, and I wouldn't change one thing.

Maybe

I find myself reading the last post and thinking, there is something missing throughout the whole ramblings of the despirate person writing those words. I think that person forgot a very important element or two that has been overlooked for a long time. First, maybe God was taken out of the equation of these two people that now look like litter on the highway. If you cancel out the One thing that is the answer to every question you could ever have, then you are just asking for failure. Second, I think love was left in a road ditch somewhere on that littered highway. Without it, there is nothing worth searching for in the dark stubbling around afraid of every turn or reaching out your hand to feel your way through that darkness. God is in control of everything, from the smallest blade of grass springing up to hanging that fiery ball in the sky, and yet He gives us our own choices. Choices that can be made in err without thinking it through or can be carefully pondered on. After all, we fight not against flesh and blood, but principalities and powers. Maybe, instead of our eyes being open to see destruction they should be closed. Maybe, we need to feel our way in the darkness...reaching for each other.

Litter

I can't wrap my brain around how 2 people can just exist under one roof. Why would you want to? How does that happen, and what is the solution? What once was soft, warm, and pliable is now cold and rigid and looks like litter on a busy highway. Your mind tends to want to go into that alternate universe where everything is rainbows and roses, but you can't live there...unfortunately. As the sun sets this evening, so does my heavy heart...back to emotionless auto-pilot working it's way toward bed time just to begin another day.

Childhood Wisdom

On a trip to the doctor with my three year old, we sat in the waiting room trying to keep busy. The nurse called us back for him to be weighed, b/p check..the usual. Before she brought us to the room, she asked him if he wanted a sucker. "Yes!" was his answer. She gave him the sucker and took us to our room to wait on the doctor. After he finished the sucker he wanted another one. I told him after we see the doctor we would ask the nurse if he could have another. As soon as the doctor came into the room my three year old said, "Mama, I want a hooga." I said, "What, sugar?" "No, hooga!" was his response. I told him, "I just don't understand what you're saying." He looked at me with disappointment in his eyes, cocked that little head to the right, and said, "CANDY, MAMA!"

Kid's understanding and reasoning are so perfect. They learn from a young age how to get their point across. It starts out as a cry in the middle of the night when they are babies and grows into words...maybe not english words at first, but words not the less. I can't wait to see what he comes up with next.