2009

Well, another year has come and gone. 2009 has taken me through many valleys, and dragged my emotions through a maze of uncertainty and confusion. I am a very different person than I was a year ago thanks to life's winds that blow without ceasing. My hope is that the direction of the wind is about to change, and instead of being in my face constantly, it will be at my back...helping to push me along in this journey. I guess the only thing I can think to say that would sum it up is TAKE THAT DEVIL, I'M STILL HERE!!!!

Letting Go

I wonder how the innocense of a child can turn into something that was not put into that child by their parents, but by their surroundings...the influences of this life that come day by day. I remember at the age of 18, I thought I was all grown up and in control of my life. I remember the look on my dad's face as he sat in his worn out recliner by the front door watching me take my things one load at a time to the car. I could not even look at him. In my mind, I thought that he was full of rage for me and was trying to stare a hole right through my cast-down eyes. With every arm load that I passed by that chair, he never took his eyes off of me, and I never looked at him. I know now...now that I am "all grown up" that my views were a bit distorted. I can imagine now how my dad felt as his heart was being ripped out of his chest as he watched me leave, but letting me go. Letting me go to make my own mistakes, letting me go to discover that the world was a whole lot different than my young mind could ever comprehend. He could have tried to stop me, and it may have been pride that held him back. I wonder if he regrets letting me go without a fight. I know that one day my baby will be "all grown up", and I may have to go through that same heartache as he spreads his wings. I know the road that I traveled down, and we can only hope and pray that our kids don't make the same mistakes that we did, but life is not written in stone. It is new every morning, with new decisions to make everyday that build the path that we take. We can only help them with these first steps, steps that start out as wobbly little feet with hands holding on tight. Then next thing you know, they have let go and are standing on their own two feet without you helping them keep their balance, but they do know that when they do loose their footing they can grab a hold to you, and you'll steady them. I hope that my baby knows that years from now.

Peace, Be Still

The low roar of the engine and the bounce of the air-ride cab was a perfect combination for some deep sleep. As we passed by traffic, cutting through the early morning fog, the sun began to peak it's head from behind the ridge of snow just between two mountain tops. Just in time, I wiped the sleep from my eyes to see the beautiful orange rays cutting through the dark purple clouds and bouncing off the snow. This was a creation beyond anything man could do. For a moment, it was like I was the only one in the world witnessing this sight...a view of heaven opening up just for me.

Ashes

We had a man of God preach Sunday night, and there is something he said that I just can't seem to get out of my mind. He talked of how when a tree limb is graphed when it heals correctly that limb will be stronger than any of the other limbs on that tree. Whenever a tree is burned there is nothing left but the ashes. Those ashes are pure carbon...carbon is what the sun puts in that tree. When you are going thru the fire maybe, just maybe God is wanting the only thing left after this fire, storm, or trial is to be what He has put in you. Maybe God wants all of this other stuff, that is just stuff, to be gone so there is nothing left but Him. The process of a fire is a painful thing, in the spiritual and the natural. In the natural, I have never been thru a fire, but I do know that there is loss. Loss of those things from the past; loss of everyday things that we take for granted. In the spiritual, we tend to hold on to the past, things that we have been forgiven for, things that God has long ago forgotten. The battle of the flesh is a constant battle. Lord, help me to be ashes...nothing left of me but what You put in me.