My Teenager

I have come to the conclusion that I don't know what I'm doing....I can see where my parents were when my brothers and I were growing up. Sometimes you just do the best you can. I have a hard time with control which is evident by the power struggle I have with my son. He is turning into this young man that wants to have the controller in his hand instead of mine. Where do you decide where the line is? Where do you lay it down and back away? 

He is turning into this beautiful person before my eyes. He doesn't think like me or act like me(for the most part), and that shouldn't be a bad thing. I get so caught up in wanting to "create a productive citizen," that I don't stop and think. I know he has to make his own way in this world, and I may not agree with everything that he does. As parents, we see a little further down the road than they do because we've been there before. I get it now....when I have those feelings of "you can't tell'm nothing".

Lord, help me to know when to hold on and when to let go.

For Me

Today I am so thankful for the people in my life that are for me. I'm thankful for a God who will nudge me back in the right direction with so much loving kindness that it overwhelms me. I have hope and an unwavering faith that God is still in control and will have His will be done for my family. Sometimes God has to send my own words back to me as a reminder that all is not lost in this storm. It will pass, and my family will still be holding on to the hand of God that is the same yesterday, today, and forever. This storm will be a testament to the God I serve.

I want to always be teachable.

Manna

God, I am so thankful for your Manna from Heaven. Lord, help me to be satisfied with what you give me for you know what is best for me. Help me to never grumble or complain and to find joy even in the most uncomfortable places.

I am not called to sprint but to run this race. Run means to move at a speed faster than a walk, never having both feet on the ground at the same time. Lord, help me to keep a steady pace and to not stand still in this journey.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

Catching Up

Well, it has been a LONG time since I have been on here...an understatement. Since I last posted I have been fostering a new little boy, 3 year old Keegan, lost my job, had a hysterectomy, and got a new job. The emotions over the last few months have been from one extreme to the other. You know......we don't see what the will of God is for our lives until way, way on down the road. I have to say...I have learned most of all to just hold on to God throughout it all, no matter if it feels like everything is falling apart. I am thankful for what I have learned over these 6 weeks of recovery/unemployement. It has not been how I had planned, but it was how God had planned it.

Sprinkles

The other morning I got ready for work and was waking up my sweet, precious little boy...that was asleep IN MY BED. I had put on a shirt that had sequence on the top around the neck of it. When I picked him up to take him into his bathroom he put his head on my shoulder and was rubbing my shirt across the sequence. He said, "Mama...I like your sprinkles."

Leo

We have been foster parents now for 5 years. In those 5 years we have had Leo for almost 3 of them. This wednesday will be the last night he will spend in our home. This statement brings such sorrow to my heart...among the mixture of feelings that I am having.

When Leo came to live with us he was about 18 months old...a little thing just over 20 pounds. He was very timid and not trusting at all. He and Jared were just 8 months apart, so it was like having twins.

Throughout the time that Leo has been here he has grown inside and out. Up until the last few months, he was not a child to show affection or tell you that he loved you. He didn't like hugs, and if you were trying to show him affection he would turn you off like a switch. He has always been very good at tuning you out...a master.

Out of the blue, not long ago he just began to give hugs. Leo would even come up to you unexpectedly and want to give you sugar. Sugar, by the way, might be on your hand or arm or leg....you never knew. Then came the "I love you", which seemed to be only given to me and Shane.

I have always known in the back of my mind that Leo would go home. I remember saying last year that it wouldn't be so bad because he always kept us at arms length and didn't let us in. He busted that right out of the water as he let us into his heart. Now I am faced with the fact that he won't be here much longer.

I know that foster parenting is something that God has called me to do, and in saying that, that this is part of that job. I can't say that I would ever pick this for my life, but I know that God knows what He is doing. I also know that Leo was only meant to be with me for a short season, but one that was rich in seeds sown with love.

A man of God reminded me today of Moses and those seeds that were sown into him as a child, and the promises that we have that it is not for naught. As he grows I pray that he never forget the things that have been taught to him.

As Leo is taken out of my hands, I am placing him in the hands of God to protect him and to keep him.

Quote

"Mama, you are the sweetest girl I eba seen in my whole nife." by Jared Kelly Burge

...in Jesus name; Amen; God bless you!

I was in the kitchen cooking supper yesturday while the boys were playing in the living room. Every few minutes one of them would come in the kitchen whinning..."He hit me." "He hurt my head." ...you get the picture. I would tell them that I didn't want to hear whinning & to go play nice. A little while later I heard Leo yell out then Jared said, "Leo, let me pray your foot. Jesus, pray Leo's foot, Jesus name, amen." He had obviously stepped on Leo's foot, and to avoid getting in trouble decided to make it all better. All of the sudden Leo's foot no longer hurt, and they were playing like nothing happened.

Once supper was ready, we sat down to eat. Usually we try to let each of the boys take turns saying the blessing. Sometimes we say it all together. This particular meal Jared wanted to say the blessing, no matter what anyone said. Everytime we all started to say the blessing he would put that little finger up to his lips & say SSSHHHHHH!!!!! Finally, we made it thru..with him being the leader of coarse!

I had made a strawberry pie the day before and told the boys that for dessert they could have another piece, but they had to finish their nuggets & fries (I know...nutritional, right?!) Well, Leo went to town on his plate; Jared tends to get a little side tracked. When Leo finished I gave him his pie, and reminded Jared that he had to finish his fries.

After one of many of the reminders to Jared, he (out of the blue) told me that his toe hurt..."Pray my toe, Mama." I said, "Jesus, make Jared's toe fell better, in Jesus name, amen." He chimmed in, "& Jesus, give me some pie, in Jesus name, amen, God bless you."

It was all I could do to keep a straight face...ok, I didn't keep a straight face! I just about rolled!!! By the way, he did get his pie!!

Silence Sucks

This was a repost, but I thought worth the read:

Oh trust me, I love peace and quiet. But that’s not the kind of silence I’m talking about here. I’m referring to the kind of silence that happens when people shut down and refuse to discuss problems, issues, upsets…you get the picture.


You see, I’m a communicator. When something goes wrong, I insist on talking about it—maybe not immediately, but certainly within a reasonable time-frame (which could be anywhere from a couple hours to a couple days, but rarely more than that). So in the unfortunate event that I piss someone off, or someone or something pisses me off, I discuss it. Talk it through. I apologize…or forgive…or I blog about it here…or all of the above. I never let it fester.

I’m lucky because I married someone who operates in the same open and communicative way. In fact, he’s usually the one who wants to talk things through right away and I’m usually the one who shuts down until I can figure out what went wrong and how it can be fixed. (So I do understand going silent ... temporarily.) But we always wind up discussing any upsets and are so much stronger by the time things get resolved. In that sense, conflict and adversity wind up bringing us even closer—we learn more than we ever thought possible.


The thing that sucks is that there are people out there who don’t want to talk about things—ever. When something bad happens, they shut down forever. They harbor all this anger or resentment or sadness and can’t—or simply won’t—discuss it. If you happen to cross this person’s path at the wrong time and speak or act out of turn, look out…because chances are you’ll get kicked to the curb with no explanation. No communication. No opportunity to fully understand what you may have done or how to repair the damage. All these people know is that you have harmed them—but chances are it’s not even your fault. They were already walking around with a victim mentality.

And that’s precisely why silence sucks—for the person who remains silent, and for the person who wants to talk about it—because nothing gets resolved, nobody learns or grows, and everybody loses.

A day in the life of Jared Kelly Burge....

So, I was in the kitchen cooking a carrot cake saturday for Easter when Jared came in there saying..."Come here, come here mama!" I went into the living room, and he wanted me to dance with him to the music that was playing. We danced round and round...when the music went off, he dropped my hands and said, "Go cook!" This boy...I just don't know!!! Can it come that natural to them?

Sunday night after our visit to Granny and Papa Burge's, we were getting ready for our bath. Leo and Jared were both tee-teeing in the potty. Needless to say, three year olds cannot aim well. Jared was not paying attention, and the stream ended up half way across the room in front of the sink via hitting Leo's knee. After we finally got baths, I began to clean the tub, then sink, then toilet. Jared walked to the door and asked, "Mama, what you doin?" I told him that I was cleaning the bathroom so it wouldn't smell like tee-tee! He looked at me, smiling, and said, "You go ahead, Mama!" Where does that little personality come from? I say that he acts just like his daddy!

Juanita Moore

We buried my aunt friday. This death in our family was sudden and very unexpected. During the funeral the gentleman speaking quoted scriptures describing what a virtuous woman was. I remember growing up always thinking that Aunt Juanita was such a lady, that she couldn't be from here. She was so proper; a woman to admire....she was that virtuous woman.

The pastor of that church read a saying that was so fitting....if you want to touch the past, touch a stone; if you want to touch the present, touch a flower; if you want to touch the future, touch a child. My aunt and uncle both gave many years into the school system. I am sure that they have touched many children's lives. She will be missed greatly.

Effort of Love

"Let your past experiences be stepping stones for her journey to victory."

A precious man of God told me that when in conversation about the young people of today. When I see them walking that same road that I went down years ago, it takes me back to that time. It was a very confusing time in my life, and I just now have come to some conclusions about that journey.

I, like most people looked for some words of affirmation, someone to show me affection, to know they cared. I did not grow up in a home with parents that poured on affection. Don't misunderstand me, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my mom and dad loved me. They did everything in their power to give me what I needed as far as things are concerned. There was something much more important missing in my life. The words "I love you" were just that...words.

I spent many years of my life looking for those words to have meaning. I looked for it in failed relationships, sex, alcohol, and drugs. All the while, those words were said, but they meant nothing in the end. I stand in awe now because I could have been taken out of this world several times over, lost as a goose.

In 1997, I had decided that I didn't need anyone. I could take care of me all by myself. I had picked out the man to have a baby with....just being transparent here. That in itself is really funny now if you know my infertility issues. I didn't know it at the time, but God had a way different plan for me no matter what i had decided.

I met Shane in August that year; six weeks later we were engaged and were married in May. He was a man who showered on the affection, and would tell you 200 times a day that he loved you; but remember, he was telling that to someone who knew that "I love you" was just words. I would roll my eyes, push him away, even tell him "yeah, right". He was very persistent...I guess he saw something that I didn't. Well, I know he did.

No matter how I pushed away and distanced myself from him, he never stopped. I guess you could say, he wore me down. Thirteen years later(I am a slow learner), I realized that in all that, that God was teaching me unconditional love. Our marriage has not been rainbows and roses, and recently was about to be no more. It was a two way street as far as where things went wrong, but I was the one throwing my hands up, walking away. He never stopped. No matter what I said or did, he was still here.

You see, God never leaves us or forsakes us. Some of us have to see that for ourselves, and sometimes it may be a slow-learning lesson, but those are the lessons that stick. I found myself staring in the mirror last week when the light bulb came on, so clear.

Even today, I have to make a conscious effort to say I love you to the ones that I love. It does not come freely for me because or my past dealings with those words. Showing affection on the other hand is not something that I can stop! I'm not even close to the same person I was then, and I am very tender-hearted now.

We want so much for our young people to not have to go through what we did. We give them the things that we didn't have. We cannot forget the most important thing that we need to give them, and that is unconditional love. No matter how much they push against or fight it. As that man of God said that sentence to me about "her" victory....maybe it wasn't just about that present teenager, maybe it was about the past one too. The effort of love is never waisted.

Wounded Hands

I'm learning a new song and thought I would share the lyrics. So thankful for the hand of God in my life.



With hopes and dreams completely crumbled
My life was built on sinking sand
Bowed beneath the weight of sorrow
Til I was touched by wounded hands

Wounded hands of the Savior
Gently took this shattered heart
And every broken piece was mended
By the hands that held the scars

Darkness held the cross of suffering
Where grace would answer sin's demand
My account's completely settled
The price was paid by wounded hands

Wounded hands of the Savior
Gently took this shattered heart
And every broken piece was mended
By the hands that held the scars

The Love of God

I am so thankful for my life. I know that whatever happens God will be a constant. He has blessed me more than I could ever deserve or ask for. Looking back on all of the roads that I have taken it is a wonder that I lived through them...He had his nail-scarred hand on me then, and I didn't know it. When I come against the tricks of the devil, I have found myself telling God that it is too hard. He quickens me and tells me...do you think it was hard for me to walk up that hill carrying that cross, do you think it was hard for me to be spat on and beat....do you think it was hard for me to die? It's enough to make me feel ashamed of myself because nothing in this life could ever compare to what Jesus did for me; He saw me all those years ago, knowing that I would fail Him over and over and over, and yet, He did it anyway. His love knows no bounds, and it never ever fails...even when we do.

Whatever

What is the perfect will of God? I think that we spend almost all of our time trying to find our perfect will that we don't dare to even comprehend that someone else might have a will for our lives...much less it being God. It is so hard to just set sail into the unknown with someone else holding the reigns...to just be able to completely trust the One that is in control. How is it that you can actually take your hands off of a situation and say, OK God, it's now in your hands...whatever happens, happens. I don't have a clue about what God's will is in my life, nor do I understand where He is taking me to get there, but I do know that this trip seems neverending, with lots of twists and turns. I'm still holding on even though in a few places it would have been easier to let go. As the song says: Whatever you're doing inside of me it feels like chaos, but I believe you're up to something bigger than me, larger than life something heavenly.....whatever happens, happens.

Perspective...Up!

This life is riddled with strings and confusion and full of fear and doubt. Each step that we take has the possiblity for Satan to be able to knock our legs out from under us. It does not matter how deep we are in God or how prayed up we are, it can all be side-swipped in one instant. The hit that we take can put us in a tale spin that sends us diving to places we never thought we would go. It gets our perspective all out of wack...makes us think that up is down and down is up. I think that is the devil's main job...get you staggering on the ropes so he can throw that last punch to knock you out. But there is one thing of ours that Satan can not touch. He hopes that he can make us loose sight of it, hence the perspective that I talked about earlier. He hopes that he can cover it up with a whole bunch of stuff that in the end doesn't matter. He tears at your family, your marriage, your health, your finances, and your mind. He is very comfortable in this business, and when he keeps that pile of wreckage in your view he has done his job.

As much as Satan tries to discourage and just down right tries to kill us, he knows that the one thing that he can't destroy is HEAVEN! The bible says that John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem prepared for a bride...that's us! It further says that God will wipe away all tears from our eyes, and there shall be no more death, or sorrow, or crying, or pain, and that the former things are passed away. That is proof that all of this stuff....stuff....STUFF can't hold a candle to what we are looking forward to. If we can keep heaven in our sight, no matter what is thrown against us...even if we loose it all on this earth we still have the promise of heaven! That reward is enough to make you shout! Perspective is the key...don't look down; look up!

2009

Well, another year has come and gone. 2009 has taken me through many valleys, and dragged my emotions through a maze of uncertainty and confusion. I am a very different person than I was a year ago thanks to life's winds that blow without ceasing. My hope is that the direction of the wind is about to change, and instead of being in my face constantly, it will be at my back...helping to push me along in this journey. I guess the only thing I can think to say that would sum it up is TAKE THAT DEVIL, I'M STILL HERE!!!!

Letting Go

I wonder how the innocense of a child can turn into something that was not put into that child by their parents, but by their surroundings...the influences of this life that come day by day. I remember at the age of 18, I thought I was all grown up and in control of my life. I remember the look on my dad's face as he sat in his worn out recliner by the front door watching me take my things one load at a time to the car. I could not even look at him. In my mind, I thought that he was full of rage for me and was trying to stare a hole right through my cast-down eyes. With every arm load that I passed by that chair, he never took his eyes off of me, and I never looked at him. I know now...now that I am "all grown up" that my views were a bit distorted. I can imagine now how my dad felt as his heart was being ripped out of his chest as he watched me leave, but letting me go. Letting me go to make my own mistakes, letting me go to discover that the world was a whole lot different than my young mind could ever comprehend. He could have tried to stop me, and it may have been pride that held him back. I wonder if he regrets letting me go without a fight. I know that one day my baby will be "all grown up", and I may have to go through that same heartache as he spreads his wings. I know the road that I traveled down, and we can only hope and pray that our kids don't make the same mistakes that we did, but life is not written in stone. It is new every morning, with new decisions to make everyday that build the path that we take. We can only help them with these first steps, steps that start out as wobbly little feet with hands holding on tight. Then next thing you know, they have let go and are standing on their own two feet without you helping them keep their balance, but they do know that when they do loose their footing they can grab a hold to you, and you'll steady them. I hope that my baby knows that years from now.

Peace, Be Still

The low roar of the engine and the bounce of the air-ride cab was a perfect combination for some deep sleep. As we passed by traffic, cutting through the early morning fog, the sun began to peak it's head from behind the ridge of snow just between two mountain tops. Just in time, I wiped the sleep from my eyes to see the beautiful orange rays cutting through the dark purple clouds and bouncing off the snow. This was a creation beyond anything man could do. For a moment, it was like I was the only one in the world witnessing this sight...a view of heaven opening up just for me.

Ashes

We had a man of God preach Sunday night, and there is something he said that I just can't seem to get out of my mind. He talked of how when a tree limb is graphed when it heals correctly that limb will be stronger than any of the other limbs on that tree. Whenever a tree is burned there is nothing left but the ashes. Those ashes are pure carbon...carbon is what the sun puts in that tree. When you are going thru the fire maybe, just maybe God is wanting the only thing left after this fire, storm, or trial is to be what He has put in you. Maybe God wants all of this other stuff, that is just stuff, to be gone so there is nothing left but Him. The process of a fire is a painful thing, in the spiritual and the natural. In the natural, I have never been thru a fire, but I do know that there is loss. Loss of those things from the past; loss of everyday things that we take for granted. In the spiritual, we tend to hold on to the past, things that we have been forgiven for, things that God has long ago forgotten. The battle of the flesh is a constant battle. Lord, help me to be ashes...nothing left of me but what You put in me.